Sunday, April 17, 2011
Most Days
Most day's I'm ok, I'm strong and independent and for moments at a time even forget I have CF. Today is not one of those days, nor have I had one of those in the past week. I feel sad, lost, home sick, lonely and mad, because I do have CF. I hate days like today. This hospital stay has been one of the hardest, I missed things that were important to me, more then any other stay. Colton's spring break, my best friend having her first baby, and an Easter Egg hunt with Colton. And I think what has made it even harder is I was just here in December, 4 months ago, I have never been back in the hospital in just 4 months. It makes me feel like some sort of failure. If I had just not missed that treatment, or just added one more to my day, it's only 30 minutes or if I would just start exercising like I say every time I'm going to do. I know it's just the way CF works that I probably could have done everything right and I would still be here, but today I don't feel that way. Today I feel sorry for myself, a feeling I hate. And I feel bad because when I talked to my Mom on the phone and told her how I was feeling, trying to make myself feel better, I made her sad too. I'm sorry Mom, I love you, don't feel bad or sad. I'll be better tomorrow I'm sure.
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It's a feeling that's kinda hard for others to understand, but I've been there too.
ReplyDeletePrior to transplant I was on home IV meds every 3 months or so, but thankfully I was put on a new trial inhaled antibiotic that helped me out a lot. I was on them every 4-5 months.
I had to 'slow' things down in life around 2004, and once I was placed on oxygen 24/7 in 2005 there wasn't a lot I could do.
Being a Mom and Wife is 20x harder, probably a reason why I choose to stay single, because I know how my world would be. I applaud you.
Jesse