Most Days

Most day's I'm ok, I'm strong and independent and for moments at a time even forget I have CF. Today is not one of those days, nor have I had one of those in the past week. I feel sad, lost, home sick, lonely and mad, because I do have CF. I hate days like today. This hospital stay has been one of the hardest, I missed things that were important to me, more then any other stay. Colton's spring break, my best friend having her first baby, and an Easter Egg hunt with Colton. And I think what has made it even harder is I was just here in December, 4 months ago, I have never been back in the hospital in just 4 months. It makes me feel like some sort of failure. If I had just not missed that treatment, or just added one more to my day, it's only 30 minutes or if I would just start exercising like I say every time I'm going to do. I know it's just the way CF works that I probably could have done everything right and I would still be here, but today I don't feel that way. Today I feel sorry for myself, a feeling I hate. And I feel bad because when I talked to my Mom on the phone and told her how I was feeling, trying to make myself feel better, I made her sad too. I'm sorry Mom, I love you, don't feel bad or sad. I'll be better tomorrow I'm sure.

Miscommunication can be dangerous

I have restless leg syndrome, I've been taking meds for it for probably 4 or 5 years. I started taking requip for it and it quit working recently and I switched to mirapex. Well when I came in the hospital they still had requip in the computer on my list of meds. I told them I had recently switched but was unsure of the dose, so I called Brad and I thought he told me 2.5mg. I told them and just to be sure the pharmacist on the floor came and asked me for my local pharmacy's number so she could double check the prescription dose. So when my nurse came in last night with my meds she had the Mirapex and said I took 2.5, but because it didn't come in that dose in 1 pill, I had to take 10. I thought this was strange but because they looked different then the ones I have at home, and I was sure the pharmacist called to double check, I took them.



I woke up around 3am really hot, nauseous, and had to pee. I got up unplugged my IV poll and stood up to go to the bathroom, I immediately felt lite headed and dizzy, so I sat on the couch that's next to my bed. The next thing I remember I was lying on the floor, and my knee hurt. I had passed out and fell on the floor hitting my knee somehow. As soon as I woke up, I started throwing up, luckily there was a trash can right there and I made it in there. I managed to find my nurse button and called the nurse, she asked me questions to make sure I didn't hit my head, and I thankfully didn't. She helped me go pee and I got back in bed, I was still really dizzy, light headed, and nauseous. They took my vitals and hooked up a blood pressure cuff for the rest of the night to monitor it.



So after talking to Brad this morning I apparently heard him wrong, and it was suppose to be 0.25mg, I took 10 times the amount I needed! But how did they not catch it when they called the pharmacy? Well apparently they did, and the doctor wrote it wrong on the notes in my chart, so the nurse read that dose as well. I normally know my meds really well and the doses but I had just started this one and wasn't sure. It was from a huge mis-communication.



Today I feel like I got wasted last night! I feel sick to my stomach, can't eat much, and want to sleep all day. They said there wouldn't be any adverse effects once it was out of my system, because that dose is giving to some people, I was just not tapered up to that much, like someone who would need that much. Hopefully tomorrow I will be back to normal.

CF Defeats me........not quite!

I seem to only blog when stuff happens with my health. I don't know why this is other than when I'm in the hospital I have time on my hands. I use to keep a journal on a pretty regular basis, not so much anymore. So my blog is kinda like my journal now. And just like my journal I tend to write more about my health.

I went in to clinic last Wednesday, had PFT's and seen the doctor, my PFT's were 13% decreased from the beginning of February, from 47% to 34%. So the doctor says I need to go in the hospital. I told him I would like to wait until after the weekend, because my best friend Chasta's baby shower was on Sunday. So he agreed and put me on an oral anti-biotic, until I could get in Monday.

Sunday despite nasty Michigan weather, Chasta's shower was a success. Chasta had been "leaking" what she thought was tinkling of pee. But because she wasn't sure it was pee and could have been amniotic fluid, we told her she should get it checked just in case. So she had an appointment at 1 and I was waiting to hear if I had a hospital bed and if my best friend was going to have her baby, 4 weeks early.

Chasta called and said that her water had broke and she was going to have her baby girl. I was frantic and desperate to find a way to stay home one more day, just one more day was all I wanted. I talked to the nurse at my clinic and she said that, the oral med I was on from Wednesday until then my bugs were not even sensitive to and it was important that I get in and get the IV's my body needed before more damage was done. I was devastated to say the least.

Let me clarify the meaning of mine and Chasta's friendship. It's more then that, we are more like sisters. We spend probably at least 2 days a week together, we shop, we bowl on a league together, we see movies, go to dinner, and our husbands are best friends/brothers too. She supports me in so many ways! We complain about our husbands to each other. When I found out I had to come in on Wednesday I wanted to cry, and she found the right thing to say to make me feel better, I would say I'm the emotional one and she's the logical one, I'm the assertive one and she's passive. We complement each other in so many ways.

So have been anxiously waiting for her and Ben to have kids, and when she got pregnant I couldn't have been more excited! When she found out she was having a girl I was so happy for her but jealous too because I always wanted a daughter, but my joy definitely out weighed my jealousy. We have been shopping and preparing for her shower together, eagerly waiting for her arrival. Never guessing this would happen.

I cried the whole day almost. Awaited updates as I was settling in my own hospital room. I was inconsolable, I was worried about Chasta because being the planner and control freak she is, I knew she was completely freaking out and worried about having her early. I got a text at around 5:30 Tuesday morning, Izabella June Langworthy had arrived at 4:14, 6lbs 2oz, and 19 1/2 inches long. She was completely healthy and Chasta was doing great as well. I was so happy for her and Ben. And then I cried the rest of the morning because I was not going to be able to see her or hold her for at least 2 weeks. But we have skype and so I got to see her via skype around 6:30 that morning. She's absolutely perfect as you can see in the picture!

I am most generally a very happy positive person and don't let much get me down. But this has been really hard for me. I despise CF at times like this. Not that I particular like it at anytime, but most the time I can deal with what it throws my way. This time I feel like it defeated me.....for a few days anyways. I will fight like always, and getting better and healthy to get home to see Colton and my Izzy girl will be my drive.